


We have... A lot to talk about

by lupinseclipse



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Any way the wind blows, Fluff, Gay, I love Kasper, Kasper is awesome, Log Cabin, M/M, OC, Post AWTWB, Post-Watford (Simon Snow), Protective Simon Snow, Sad Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Simon Snow Needs a Hug, Simon Snow has wings and a tail, Simon ran away, SnowBaz, Sweden - Freeform, There's a whole lotta sad, but a lot of angst before, carry on, fannon, fluffy stuffs, mlm, much angst, wayward son
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:27:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29725536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lupinseclipse/pseuds/lupinseclipse
Summary: Simon has been living alone for so long. Almost 5 years, with only his animals and his friend Kasper for company.But then one day someone grabs Simon by his tail.He doesn't realize who it is until too late.
Relationships: Penelope Bunce & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Simon Snow & Kasper (OC), Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 1
Kudos: 25





	1. 1 - The Runaway is Found

**Author's Note:**

> oi oi  
> so i have no idea how many chapters this will have but i hope you all like it :D  
> this came to me at like midnight one night and i love it so i want to share it....ENJOYYYYYYYY

**Simon**

I've never been so alone in my life.

That's not me being dramatic, I promise. That's me telling you the truth. You see... After every thing that happened in America, then the whole battle at Watford, I knew I needed to get away. I knew I needed to leave all... That behind. 

So I did.

Right after the battle ended at Watford, I flew back to mine and Penny's flat, packed everything, left her and Baz a small note, then I just... Took off. (Literally. I flew away.)

I couldn't bare it there anymore. It was too much. So I flew until my wings hurt, then rested, and flew some more. I kept flying until I knew I was safe. Until I knew I was alone.

I landed in this forest, by this log cabin in Sweden. No-one was living here when I first arrived. But there were a few animals, so I made it my home. My new home. My little sanctuary of isolation and peace. It's nice.

I don't see people much. Only when I do my fortnightly order of food shopping food, and the delivery person comes to my door. It's always the same person. Kasper, their name is. They're kind. Very kind, and sometimes they stay and chat with me. It's nice to see someone every once in a while. They've gotten used to my wings and tail. Obviously, they were scared at first, but turns out they were adopted by some Mages when they were young, so they don't mind.

They don't tell anyone about me though. I make sure of that. They keep me a secret, which I am so, so thankful for, because if someone found out Simon Snow was living in a log cabin, with his three cats, two cows, and six chickens next to a lake in a massive forest in Sweden, then I would end up with a whole lot of Mages on my doorstep.

Probably including Baz and Penny.

I threw away my old phone, so neither of them could contact me, and Kasper gave me one of their old phones. It's in perfect condition, but I rarely use it. Why would I? The only contact I have on there is Kasper, and I see them every two weeks. I have no-one else's number.

But I don't need it.

Living out here in this isolated part of Sweden has made me so, so much happier that when I was living back at Watford. I'm free here. I can fly all I like, I have my animals, I go swimming, I write, I talk to Kasper. I'm perfectly at peace. Nothing can haunt me here. Nothing can find me. Nothing can bother me. (Apart from maybe the money. I get by.)

I earn my money by doing something no-one would have expected of me. I make YouTube videos. Not of me, obviously, for then I would be found. (Probably by Penny.) But as I had to cook and bake for myself living alone, I started a cooking channel. 

I just... Show people what I cook for myself, what I bake, how I experiment. It's cool! I do use this voice changing filter over my voice, because I wouldn't want anyone to recognise me, and sometimes Kasper features in the videos, but yeah. I'm a YouTuber. (My YouTube name is Sails and Scones. I think it's pretty cool. So does Kasper.) (I chose Sails because no-one knows me as Simon Sailsbury. Well, apart from Kasper, but no-one else does.) (I'm completely anonymous.) (It's really nice.)

Kasper helped me set every thing up, and they boosted me on their own YouTube account, so after a few months, I already had 100K followers. Which was incredible. My following grew as I kept making these videos and eventually, after about a year (I know that's such a short time, but it happened) I qualified for payment. I became a YouTuber. I got paid.

When I tell you I screamed when I found out. Kasper was the first person I told. Well, the only person I told, but I thanked all my followers by baking a special cake. Kasper was there with me when I baked it. They kept throwing flour at me. It was cute.

Anyway, I get by. I'm happy here, in my small log cabin, with my animals, my YouTube, the lake, the forest and Kasper. I might ask Kasper if they want to stay with me. They're such a nice person, and they still live with their parents, as they're struggling a bit for money. I know they love it at my house. I see it in their face. They told me once that they hated it at their home, as their parents still deadnamed them and refused to accept them as non-binary. 

I think I will. Ask Kasper to move in, that is. I have a spare bedroom, and enough room for then to move in. They will love it, for sure. I can't wait to tell them.

It wouldn't be a romantic thing. We both know that. Kasper is aromantic, and I still can't let go of Baz. 

Baz.

I miss him. More than I really admit to myself. I really, really miss him. I miss the way his eyes shine when he looks at me, I miss the way his hair curls around his face in soft waves, I miss his smile.

I miss Baz.

But I know I cannot go back. I can never go back. If I went back... I would crash and burn. Watford and Sweden are like two completely different worlds. In Watford, there's magic, war, pain, memories, bad, Baz and Penny. But in Sweden there's silence, calm, peace, animals, Kasper and NO MAGIC. (Apart from my tail and wings. But I don't think of them as magic. They're a part of me.)

I have to let go of Baz. I have to move on. I have to forget him.

But I can't.

**Baz**

I've never been more alone in my life.

Sure, you might call me out on being dramatic when I say that, but I'm just telling the truth. Well, a half truth. I'm surrounded by people all day, everyday, but without Snow, I feel so, so alone. For five years now, I've been without his snarky comments, his stupid face, and his beautiful, beautiful hair. I miss him. More than anything.

I remember the day he left so well. It was the day after the battle at Watford had ended. Me, him and Bunce had just finished clearing up in the courtyard, and I had looked over at him and I remember him looking so broken. He looked so upset, burnt out and broken. It tore my heart apart to see him looking like that. I remember reaching out towards him, and I remember him flinching violently away from me. Bunce tried, but he shied away from her as well. He was shaking his head hard, his curls lifelessly flopping over his face. Bunce and I were confused, so confused, but what Snow did next completely broke us.

He looked up at us, eyes watering with tears, and he just said, "I'm sorry." We didn't know why he was apologising. But then he took off. He flew away. We weren't sure where he flew, but we were screaming for him to come back. And yet he didn't. We tried to follow him, but we were caught up in a swarm of students, congratulating us and making us stay for supper. We couldn't get away. Not until the evening, when we ran back to Bunce's and Snow's shared flat. Bunce unlocked the door and we went inside. I ran straight to his room... But it was empty. None of his clothes were there, or his things (what little of everything he had.) It was like no-one had ever stayed in there before. Bunce called for me then, and I walked stiffly back into the kitchen where she was, holding a hastily scribbles note.

_To Penny and Baz,_

_I'm sorry, okay? I just can't do this anymore. I need to get away. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry._

_-S.S_

Penny broke down and I held her close, my arms around her shoulder as she cried into my shirt. 

So, Simon had gone. Legged it. Vanished. He had just... Left. I mean, it was understandable, he had been under immense pressure... But he could have talked to us. We would have gone with him. However, I doubt he would have liked that. And that meant me and Bunce were on our own.

Bunce asked me if I wanted to get a new flat with her. Somewhere closer to where we worked, especially since the old flat had too many memories. So I did. I've been living with her ever since. I'll admit, it's nice to be away from my family, and it's nice to live with Bunce. She's a good flatmate. But without Simon... I'm alone. I think Bunce is as well. She tries her hardest, and after these five years, we have healed, and we are doing so much better. And yet we are still alone. So, so alone. Bunce works as a teacher at Watford, and I'm (surprisingly) a child-carer at the new Watford nursery. When Bunce's mum became headmistress, she opened a new one for any parent who needed a place for their young children to go during the day. And I volunteered to be the head carer there. Bunce's mum hired me on the spot, which I was grateful for. And I do love my job. As does Bunce.

And yet, even though we spend so much time with other people, other children, we know we will feel alone until we see Simon again. When we see Simon, we will be complete again. We need Simon. He's Bunce's best friend. He's my boyfriend... Well, I hope he still is. We haven't spoken to each other in five years... But we didn't officially break up. So are we still together or not?

I've had many people, men and women alike, come up to me and ask me out, wanting to take me for a drink, get me in bed. But I always turn them down because I cannot let Simon go. I can't close that door. Not until I have seen him again. Not until he has told me himself that he doesn't want me anymore. I refuse to give him up. So I will keep turning people down until I see Simon again.

I know I will see him again. You want to know how I know that? Well, Bunce's ring is attuned to Simon. She casted a fancy spell on him after we got back from America because she was so worried about him, and he let her. It doesn't track him. (Well, it does, but we haven't figured that out yet,) but it flashes yellow when something's up with Simon or if he is dying. That has only happened once, during the battle. Simon was close to death, but obviously, he lived. And the ring hasn't flashed at all in the last five years. So we know Simon is alive and well.

Knowing that just makes us hurt more. He's fine. He's alive. He's probably thriving. And yet he's not bothering to contact us. That makes me angry. I want him to reach out to us and see us, because he knows where we are, we don't know where he is, but he's not contacting us. I miss him so, so much. I need him back in my arms. I need to hold him close. Need to kiss him, to feel his heartbeat again...

I need Simon back.

**Simon**

Kasper agrees. Which makes me very happy. We've been seeing each other for just under five years. All the time I've been in Sweden, so I'm extremely happy when they agree to move in. They're happy as well. You should have seen their face when I asked them. It was like a thousand suns lighting up and they looked overwhelmed. It was amazing. We got all their stuff moved in within about a week. I couldn't leave my house to get their stuff, because of the whole wings and tail issue, but they get some of their other friends to help pack their van and then they move in. It's amazing to have someone else living with me full time. I don't feel so alone anymore. Of course, I still do in the sense that I don't have Baz, but I have Kasper. And that works for me.

We have a lot of fun together. They love to help with milking the cows and collecting the eggs, and they spend a lot of time with the cats. Which is cute. The two of us also go swimming to much in the lake next to my house, and Kasper now features a lot more in my YouTube videos. Of course, they still have their own job to do, with delivering food, and they do always bring our food every two weeks, but whenever I do my videos, they sometimes join in. We like to laugh over the comments together, as some people have clicked that they have moved in, and some people think we are dating. It's funny to see the conspiracy theories people come up with. Neither of us are uncomfortable reading them. It's just super funny. But the best part of our time together is when I go flying through the forest. At first, Kasper just stayed inside with the cats. However as we spent more time together, they now either run along underneath me in the woods, or they ask if they can fly with me. So I hold them around their waist, or I carry them bridal style, and we fly together.

I won't lie. It reminds me of how Baz and I used to fly together sometimes. And that hurts. But I always push that feeling aside and just focus on making sure I don't drop Kasper. They have so much fun flying. Says it makes them feel free. And that always makes me smile. Because when I fly, I feel free. And it feels nice to have someone to share that pleasure with. Even if it isn't Baz.

In the evenings, we like to curl up together on the sofa with the cats, watching TV and chatting. Sometimes, Kasper has late night jobs, so I go flying, and sometimes I have bad days, so I fly all day and Kasper looks after the house. I really like Kasper. They're so special to me, and I am forever grateful that they came into my life. 

You might be thinking now, 'well go on then Simon. You've given up on Baz, so date Kasper.' But see a) I haven't given up on Baz. B) Kasper's ace. C) I think of Kasper as more of a sibling than a partner. I don't have any romantic feelings for them. I just consider them my family. And that makes it so, so special. 

**Baz**

"Basil. Baz. Basliton. Pitch. BAZ!"

I roll over and groan loudly, opening my eyes and scowling at Bunce. It's not even ten am yet. And it's a Saturday. Why is she shouting at me to wake up. 

"Go away," I mumble, flapping a hand in front of her face, but she catches my hand and pushes it away. Why in Crowley's name does she look so excited.

"No. Please Basil, get dressed. I've done a thing," She says, grinning widely. She looks so proud of herself.

"What 'thing'?" I ask, a little more awake now, and I rub my eyes.

"I think I can track Simon."

I freeze and stare at her. She better not be joking around. Because this is serious. If she's joking around I will kill her. I sit up straight, not caring that I'm not wearing a shirt (it's Bunce, and I've been living with her for five years. We've gotten past the point of modesty.) And I put my hands on her shoulders.

"You better not be joking. I will kill you if you are. Do you really think you can track Simon?"

Bunce smiles at me and places her hand on mine, squeezing, "I'm not joking, I promise Baz. I was fiddling around with my ring, and the spell I cast on Simon, and I really think I can track him. I promise."

I stare at her a few moments longer, just to make sure she is telling the truth, and then I nod slowly.

"Okay," I say, letting her go and sitting back on my bed, "So we could actually find Simon. We could see him again..."

"Yes!" She exclaims, jumping up, "Hurry up. get dressed and I'll show you."

Well she doesn't have to tell me twice. I'm up like a shot as she leaves my room, and I get dressed hurriedly, pulling on my jeans and a t-shirt that's lying at the bottom of my bed, then I run through the flat to the living room, where I see Bunce sat on the sofa, her ring in front of her. She looks up when I enter and gestures for me to sit next to her, so I do.

"Well?" I ask, leaning forwards.

"I found a spell. It's a small one, but it might work."

"If there's any chance of finding Snow, I want to try it," I reply, and she nods.

"Hold my hands," She instructs, and when I do, her ring hovers between us, a golden string appearing from both our hearts and connecting to the ring. I go so speak, but Bunce shakes her head and opens her mouth instead. He words are lanced with magic.

**"From the heart of London, to the core of the Earth.  
We call to thee, and ask you grant us home.  
We seek a friend, one so lost and alone.  
We ask you help us, assist us in our search.  
Can you tell us, O one of Earth.  
Where we can find Simon Snow?"**

When she finishes, we both stare at the ring, hoping, praying that it works, and then Bunce cries out, closing her eyes tight.

"Penny!"

"No, Baz, it's okay, it's okay, it's the spell... It's working!"

I stay silent after that, just watching Bunce, and then the ring falls to the floor, the golden string disintegrating. Bunce's death grip on my hands relaxes, and she looks at me, eyes filled with tears.

"What is it?" I ask, not letting go of her hands, "What's wrong?"

"It hurt," She admits, breathing heavily, "That spell, but I know where he is... He's in Sweden. In an isolated log cabin by a lake in a forest."

"Crowley," I whisper, and Bunce nods, her tears spilling over, so I pull her close to me, hugging her tightly.

"We have to go there Baz. We have to see him," She says through her tears, and I nod, kissing her hair.

"We will, Bunce. I promise. We will."

That afternoon we pack our bags and Bunce books the flight. It's only about a three hour flight into Stockholm, and then another four hours drive to our house where we are staying. We booked ten days in a small holiday home, as we didn't want to stay in a hotel, and we didn't know how long we were going to be staying. So ten days seemed suitable. Anyway, we don't go anywhere today. Instead, we settle down, unpack and try the spell again to try and pinpoint the exact location where Simon is. It's actually not too far away from where we are. Only about an hour and a half. Bunce wants to get up and go right then and there, but I reason with her.

"It's ten at night Bunce," I say, "I don't think he will appreciate us turning up to see him at ten at night."

She looks at me and sighs, nodding. She knows I'm right. Simon would freak. So we go to sleep instead after we've eaten, and the next morning, we get in the car and drive. 

We just want to see you Simon. Please. We miss you too much...

**Simon**

Kasper and I are lying on the sand by the lake, their head on my chest, my wings spread around us, when we hear it. The soft roar of an engine and the crunching of gravel as a car pulls into our driveway. I sit up instantly, dislodging Kasper who groans.

"Were you expecting anyone, Kas?" I ask, looking up towards the house.

"No," They say, rubbing their eyes, "Why?"

"Because someone has just pulled up in a car."

That makes Kasper alert, and they sit up as well, looking towards the house. I look back at them, my hands shaking. This must mean someone has found me. My breaths are becoming shorter, and I'm shaking. Kasper puts their hands on my shoulders and makes me look at them. They know all about the Humdrum, and America, and the Watford battle. I told them ages ago, so they know why I'm in Sweden, and they know I'm hiding from the magickal world.

"Simon, breathe," They say, "It's alright. It might just be some lost tourists. But just in case it is someone looking for you, I want you to hide in the trees by the house. Make sure you can see me, because I will stretch my arms above my head if it's someone who is looking for you, and then you just fly. Okay? Just fly."

"Y-yeah," I stutter out, placing one of my hands atop theirs and squeezing.

"Got your phone?" Kasper asks, and I nod, patting my pocket, "Good. I'll call you when it's safe to come back, okay?"

"O-okay," I nod, and we both stand up, exchanging a quick hug, then Kasper goes over to the house and the car, and I run and hide in the woods. I hide behind one of the big spruce trees, folding my wings behind me and wrapping my tail around my leg. From where I'm hidden, I can see Kasper. They're leaning against the door of the house, smiling at whoever is in the car. I can't see who it is, as Kasper is blocking my view, so I stay hidden for a bit longer. But then I see Kasper twitch their back, massaging a knot in their back. And then they stretch their arms over their head and panic instantly sets into my body. It's someone looking for me. I've been found. Someone has gone above and beyond to find me here in my isolated spot in Sweden.

Shit.

I turn and run through the forest, my feet going as fast as I can to get away from the house without being spotted. I run far through the forest, trying to get as far away from the house so it's safe for me to take off. As soon as I guess I'm around a hundred meters away from the house, I spread my wings and lift off from the forest floor, flying up, always up through the trees, taking the path I fly so often. I know I need to get out of there. So I fly high and fast, trying my hardest to get away.

But then I hear shouting. Someone is calling my name. But that's my Mage name. That's not the name I'm known by now.

"Simon! Simon! Snow! SIMON SNOW!"

That's not Kasper. Kasper said they would call me when it's safe to come back. I don't recognize that voice. Someone has found me. 

My brain is on overdrive right now, and panic is completely taking me over. Making me slow. I try to fight it, try to fly fast...

But I don't fly fast enough.

Someone, I don't know who, manages to catch up to me, (they must have super speed or something, because I'm a bloody fast flyer) and do you know what the do? They reach out and grab my tail, pulling me down towards them. 

A) how dare they touch my tail.

B) I'm fucked.

I scream as soon as I feel the contact, and I try and fight it, but whoever this is has a string grip, and they don't relent. They just keep calling my name, pulling me down to the ground.

What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to get away? What is this person doing? Well. I'm in survivor mode, aren't I? And when I'm in survivor mode, I get violent. My tail spikes, jabbing at whoever it is that has a hold on me, and my wings beat hard. I don't realise it, but I'm crying. Tears are streaming down my face. But that's expected. Someone has found me in my private home, then they chase me though my forest and grab onto my tail. It's a natural reaction.

I scream loud and thrash around. The person now has a grip on the bottom of my left wing, digging their fingers into the scales, and that _hurts._ That really hurts. My wings are sensitive... So that really hurts. I let out another howl like that of a trapped animal, and try, I try, I push and I pull, flapping my other wing, but this person still won't let up.

They're shouting things at me, like 'Please stop Simon,' or 'It's me!' or 'Simon please I don't want to hurt you.' I have a hard time believing that, as you would be able to understand. And as much as I fight, this person won't let me go. So I do the only thing I can. I spin around, still in the air, and punch whoever it was in the face. I get their nose. As soon as the blow lands, the person lets out a yell and lets me go, their hands coming up to hold their nose, and as I don't have their hands on me anymore, I fall straight to the ground, landing on my hands and knees. My body is shaking with sobs, and my wings are spasming, my tail whipping around me. I'm exhausted, and my body and wings hurt. I hurt so much, and I just lie on the floor, shaking and sobbing. The other person doesn't try to talk to me, or say anything, but I know they're still there, as I can hear their breathing.

Then I hear more footsteps and more shouting. Two more voices are approaching us.

"Simon, Simon!" That's Kasper, I know it, "Simon, bloody hell." They kneel down next to me and pull me towards them. I cling to them, my hands fisting in their shirt, as I cry. I won't stay still. My body shakes, my wings spasm, my tail flips. Kasper rocks me and sooths me, allowing me to weep. Sometimes they speak to me, sometimes I hear them speaking to the other two people who are with us. I don't recognise their voices at all, but they keep saying my name. Keep saying Simon. I'm scared. No, scratch that. I'm bloody terrified. 

I don't know how long I lie in Kasper's arms, how long I cry, but eventually, my body stops shaking, my wings fold back and stop spasming, and my tail stills. Kasper realises I'm calmer, and their attention is completely on me.

"Simon? Hey, it's Kas. It's okay, it's okay, you're okay, I've got you," They say, rubbing my back and they kiss my hair firmly.

"B-but they... They found me, a-and they, they, one..." I take a deep breath and try to steady my racing heart and my breathing, "They got me, they, they grabbed me and chased me, they... Kas they-"

"Shh, shh," Kasper says, "I know, I know. That was very stupid of him, but I need you to look at me, okay? Can you look at me?"

I nod shakily, and slowly release my death grip on Kasper's shirt, and look up to them, meeting their gaze. They smile at me and cup my face, kissing my forehead.

"It's okay. I've got you," They say, "Now, I need you to stay calm, okay? These two people say they know you-" I freeze "-Ah, it's okay, they tell me they're your friends, and that they just want to connect with you again. They miss you."

"B-but, they chased, they chased me through the forest," I say, voice still a little shaky, and Kasper nods again. 

"I know, I know. But I think we need to have this conversation in the house-"

"But they-"

"Simon, please. I want to help you," Kasper looks so innocent, and I know all they want is to help me. And that is why I nod. That is why I move away from them, keeping my back to the others, but looking at Kasper. I loosen my grip on them, and they two of us stand up together. The others stand up too. My legs are shaky, and Kasper supports me, which I am grateful for. I fear I would fall if I didn't have Kasper to hold onto. However, that's when I turn around. That's when I see who it was that was chasing me.

_Oh..._

**Baz**

When Simon makes eye-contact with me, I think my heart stops. His face pales, and I see the recognition in in his eyes. His gaze flicks to Bunce for a second, and he starts seeing her, but then he looks back at me. He doesn't speak. He just stares. After a moment, his friend (are they friends? Or are they more?) Kasper, pulls on his hand. That makes him look away and at Kasper, and the two of them hold a silent conversation (we used to do that. The two of us. Talk with our eyes. But now I feel like I've lost him.) Kasper then smiles.

"Come on. The four of us can go back into the house, and we can talk about this, okay?"

"Kas... Please."

"Listen, Simon. Trust me."

Simon looks at Kasper for a long time, so long, and Bunce takes my hand, squeezing. But eventually Simon nods, his own hand holding Kasper's, and the two of them start to walk out of the forest, back along the path. Kasper nods at me and Bunce to follow, so we do. We all walk back out of the forest and towards their small log cabin. I will admit, I was wrong to chase Simon like that. I was wrong to grab him and hurt him. I deserved my punch in the nose. (I really, really deserved it. How could I do that to Simon?) Actually, thinking of that now makes me realise how much it hurts. I put my hand on it and hiss. It really hurts. Bunce looks over at me and winces.

"Hey, ur, Kasper?" She asks, and Kasper looks back at us. Simon doesn't, "When we get back, can we get something for Baz's nose?"

"Oh, sure," Kasper says, "We have a first aid kit. I'll grab that when we get back."

"Thanks," I say, and I see Simon flinch when I speak. He never used to do that. But then again, we've been apart for five years. How much has changed? Really? The rest of the walk is in silence. Occasionally, Kasper and Simon speak, and Bunce and I share some words. But the two parties don't cross. Kasper might look back at us to make sure we are keeping up, but otherwise we don't speak. Not until we get back to the house. Simon and Kasper disappear into the house, and Bunce and I share a glance, before hesitantly following inside. 

The house is nice. When you walk in, you get to an open plan living room, kitchen and dining room, and there are windows all around, and a door on the opposite wall. My guess is that probably leads to the bedrooms and stuff. Simon is sat on the love seat by one of the large windows, and he has two cats sitting on him, cuddling him. I long to go and sit next to him, holding him close and kissing him. But I don't dare. Not after... Everything. Instead, Bunce and I sit down on the sofa opposite him. He doesn't look up at us. Just buries his face into the fur of one of the cats. Bunce looks at me, but I shake my head.

The three of us sit in silence until Kasper comes back. They drop a first aid kit into Bunce's lap and smile at us, before joining Simon on the love seat, a cat following them. Three cats? Really Simon? Bunce watches them for a moment, and then picks up the kit, sorting out my nose. It hurts, yet I stay silent, allowing Bunce to mop me up and clean everything. There's a bit of blood on my shirt, but I don't really care. All I care about now is Simon. And he won't even look at me.

"Okay," Kasper says once Bunce has put away the first aid kit. Simon's wing is wrapped around Kasper. He used to do that with me, "So we have a lot to talk about."


	2. The Talking Starts

** Simon **

I can't look at Baz. Or Penny. Because I can't believe that they have done this. I can't believe they are here. I can't believe Baz  _ chased me  _ through the forest and  _ grabbed  _ my wings and tail. (I also can't believe I punched him. But he deserved that.) So instead of looking at them, I look down at my cats. I don't think I've said their names yet. Well, there's Felix, Whiskers and Fudge. And they're my children. Mine and Kasper's children. And they're the best.

Honestly. They love to curl up and cuddle with me and Kasper, and when I tell you that they are amazing listeners. They’ll just sit in my lap and listen while I pour my heart and soul out to them. And when I’m done, they sort of wrap their paws around my neck and hug me. And that always makes me cry because they’re cats, and yet they understand me and my pain. 

Whiskers is curled up on Kasper's lap at the moment, Felix is sort of balanced between the two of us (he looks comfy and content, so I don't move him) and I've got my face pressed into Fudge's fur. She doesn't mind. She loves me the most. And my wing is wrapped around Kasper, my right hand holding his. I don't want to let him go. I don't want to look up at Baz and Penny. I don't want to talk. I just want them to go so I can enjoy my peace again.

Or do I?

I've missed Baz so, so much. I know I'm not really myself without him. Because he's everything. And yet... The way he treated me today... It makes me wonder how much has changed between us. How much he has grown. How different we are. Yet even though we are different, and we have grown apart (have we?) I still miss him. More than I really allow myself to admit. I want to wrap my arms and wings around him, and I want to kiss him... But I can’t. I don’t know why (I do know why.) I just... I just can’t.

When Kasper speaks, I still don't look up. I just grip their hand tighter, and they squeeze my hand in reassurance. They know me, and I know they are there for me. I know they are going to support me. They always do.

"Yeah," Penny agrees. She's holding Baz's hand, "We know we do. And we wanted to start off by saying we're sorry. Really-"

"Thank you, Penny," Kasper interrupts gently, "Simon and I know you're sorry. But I think we want to know why you... Did all of that. Why you came in in such a drastic fashion. Why you..." They trail off and wave their free had in the air, sighing, "Simon went out of his way to disappear. He needed safety, reassurance, isolation. He needed to disconnect for a while. And yet  _ you _ went out of  _ your  _ way to find him.”

“We...” Penny sighs, shaking her head, “We missed him. And we needed to see him. And he wasn’t going to reach out to us, so we had to do it ourselves. I... After America, I cast a spell on Simon. It monitors him, and makes sure he is okay, and if he isn’t, then it flashes yellow.”

“And was it flashing yellow?” Kasper asks. Penny looks down, ashamed.

“No,” She admits quietly, “But we needed to see him. We... Simon means everything to us. And it has been five years. We had had no contact with him, no messaging, no letters... Nothing. We didn’t know where he was, and although we knew he was okay... We needed to see him.”

“Simon, we... I needed to know where we stand.”

It’s the first time Baz has spoken, and that makes me look up at him. I meet his gaze and see the pain in his eyes. I see his longing, his concern, his worry. And that makes my eyes water again. See, as much as I want to know exactly that as well... I don’t know where we stand. Sure, we never officially broke up. I never told him I didn’t want to be with him. He never told me he didn’t want me. And yet it’s been five years. Five years we haven’t spoken. Five years we haven’t seen each other. Five years with nothing. 

So, are we even together anymore? Does he want to be with me? Do I want to be with him? Has he come all the way to Sweden to officially break up with me? The way he greeted me made me feel like he doesn’t love me anymore. (Okay sure we never actually told each other we love each other. But we got the gist.) I mean... Sure, I want to be with Baz. I miss him so, so much... But I love Sweden too much. I couldn’t leave here. I couldn’t leave Kasper. I can’t leave Kasper. I... I’m happy here.

Sweden is my home now. I have my YouTube, my cats, cows, chickens, my books, the forest, the lake, and Kasper. It’s silence and solitude. It’s calm and peace. It’s special. It’s  _ home.  _ I can’t leave Sweden. It means too much to me. I’m  too happy here. This place is everything. And I can’t give this up. I know I can’t. It means too much to me. This place, this country, this seclusion and isolation. Just me, Kasper, the cats, cows and chickens. There’s no way I’m giving this up.

I only realise that I haven’t spoken when Kasper clears their throat and squeezes my hand. I blink and blush when I realise that I have just been silently staring at Baz, into his eyes. So, I look away, back down at my lap where Fudge is resting. I’m not ready for this. Not so soon. Not after the way I was greeted. I look at Kasper then, and shake my head. It’s too soon. They understand, and so they take Felix off my lap, placing him on the floor and lean forwards, so I can take my wing out from behind their back. I smile gratefully at them and remove my wing, standing up and putting Fudge onto the seat I have just cleared. Kasper squeezes my hand again, and I lean down, kissing their forehead, (the two of us have a relationship like that. We will kiss each other’s cheeks and foreheads, and cuddle, but it’s not romantic. At all) before I let go and move to leave the room.

I stop at the door and look back at Baz. Him and Penny are both staring at me. Kasper is looking at them. Maybe tomorrow. Or the day after. Or the day after that. Maybe then I’ll speak to them. Just... Not yet. Not so soon.

I shake my head and leave, closing the door on my way out and then I spread my wings, flexing my tail, and I take off. I hover for a moment outside the door, and then I turn right and head into the forest, flying a new route. My phone is in my pocket, so I can call Kasper if I need to, but right now, I want to get lost in the forest and think.

I just need to think.

** Baz **

As soon as Simon looks away from me, I think I have lost him. He was looking at me so intently, but I know he wasn’t really seeing me. His face had that far-away look on it that he gets when he’s thinking. And then he got up, kissed Kasper and left. Well, he turned around just before he left and looked at me again, before he shook his head and left for real, taking off and flying through the forest. 

I think I just about shatter when he flies away. 

All I want to know is if I have lost him, or if he still wants me. If he still wants to be with me. But with everything that has happened... I think he’s not really mine anymore. I think I really have lost him. Have I lost him to Kasper, though? The two of them kiss each other's cheeks and foreheads, and they hug and... They live together... I just want to know where Simon and I stand. Well, and I want to know if he’s going to come back or if he’s going to stay. I want to know what is going to happen next. But I don’t know if I’m going to get an answer out of Simon. I don’t know if he will speak to me. And that hurts.

I look away from the door long after Simon leaves, and I press my face into my hands, breathing heavily. Bunce wraps her arm around my back and rubs my back, pulling me close to her, so I lean in. I just want my Simon back. However, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

“You have to understand, Baz,” Kasper says quietly, “How much Simon has changed. He’s spent five years here, in isolation, as a completely anonymous Swedish citizen, with nothing but me and his animals for company, and no magic. He’s-”

“Shut up,” I snarl, looking up and scowling hard at Kasper. I can feel Bunce tense beside me. Kasper starts a little, their eyes widening.

“Basil,” She warns me, but I don’t listen to her.

“Just... Shut up. You don’t know Simon. You can barely scrape the surface of Simon in five years. He is such a complex person, and such a private person. You didn’t live with him for seven years and some more. You didn’t watch him and study his every move. You didn’t drive with him across America to rescue his friend. You didn’t fight at his side in the most traumatic battle of his life. You weren’t there when he flew away, looking broken and lost. You don’t know Simon Snow,” By this point, I’m stood up, pacing the room and glaring hard at Kasper, “He’s not someone who changes easy. He hates change. You can’t come up to me and ask me to understand how much has changed. I’m-”

“ _ Basil,”  _ Bunce cuts me off and grabs my hand, glaring at me, “Stop. You’re worked up. You need to ca-”

“I swear to bloody Crowley, if you tell me to calm down Bunce, I will hex you into next Tuesday,” I’m glaring at Bunce now, my back to Kasper, but I do sit down after a minute. At the other end of the sofa, my arms folded and I’m scowling at the floor.

“In a way, you’re right,” Kasper says after a few moments of tense silence. I don’t look up, “I don’t know Simon Snow. I kind of do. But I don’t really know him. I know the Simon I have known for the last five years, and the Simon I have lived with for the last three. I know Simon Sailsbury.”

I still don’t look up, and I hear Kasper sigh.

“Listen,” Kasper tries again, “Simon has told me about everything that has happened to him. He explained his time at Watford, with the Humdrum and his prick of a roommate, who later became his boyfriend. He told me about America and Agatha’s kidnapping and Shepard. He told me about the horrors of the battle at Watford once you got back from America, and how much was destroyed. How many lives were  lost. How much everyone suffered. And he explained to me how, on the day the battle ended, he took off and came here. 

“I know Simon Snow. But I only know him through what Simon Sailsbury has told me. So, I know what happened. I know how much everything has changed. And I know Simon Sailsbury. I know the Simon that loves to fly for hours on end in the forest, who loves to go swimming in the lake, who milks the cows, looks after the chickens, does his job, and lives with me. I know how much has changed for him.”

“Simon doesn’t change,” I mutter, still staring at the floor.

“ Yes, he does, Basil,” Bunce says quietly, “You should know that more than anyone.”

There are another few moments of silence before Kasper speaks again.

“Simon has told me all about you two, and Agatha. And he has told me how much you mean to him, and how me wants to reconnect with you. He misses you so, so much. But I know that he can’t speak to you just yet. Especially not after the greeting he got from you.”

I blush in shame. I still cannot believe I did that to Simon. To my Simon. 

“So, he does want to talk to you. He does want to sort this out. He needs to. But he isn’t ready yet. If we exchange numbers, I can talk to Simon, and when he is ready, I will text you and we can arrange another time to meet up. Does that sound okay?”

Bunce sighs and nods, pulling out her phone. I don’t. I don’t want Kasper’s number. Bunce can have it. But I don’t. I just want Simon’s. Kasper and Bunce exchange numbers quickly, then I see Kasper type out a quick message. It’s probably to Simon, because their phone pings a moment later and they smile at it and then put it back in their pocket.

“Thank you, Penny,” They say, smiling at her. 

“It’s okay,” Bunce replies, and I see her cut her eyes nervously to me, before she addresses Kasper again, “Kasper, what... What exactly is your relationship with Simon?”

I do finally look up at that, my eyes trained carefully on Kasper. Their face breaks into a smile and they look at Penny, carefully avoiding my gaze. That makes me still. Why are they avoiding looking at me? Are  they... Are they with Simon? Are they... Together? Crowley.

“Simon and I are friends,” Kasper says, and I sigh with relief, seeing Kaspers’ eyes cut to me and they smile at me, “A) I’m aromantic, so I don’t feel romantic attraction, and B) well... I’ll let Simon tell you that when he’s ready. But we think of each other like siblings. He’s my brother, I’m his sibling. He allowed me to move in after he knew I was unaccepted by my family. Simon has shown me more kindness in the last five years than my own family have shown me in my whole life. So, I am grateful for him, and everything he has done for me. Because I know I wouldn’t be the person I am today without him.”

“Okay,” Bunce says, and then she stands up, “Well, we better go then. I don’t want to intrude anymore. Plus, we need to give you and Simon some space to talk and think over all of this. We’re sorry for... Everything. Really.”

“It’s not me you should be apologising to,” Kasper says quietly, and Bunce and I look down in shame, a red blush appearing on my cheeks, “But I appreciate it. Thank you. Now, I will text you when Simon is ready, Penelope. How long are the two of you staying in Sweden?”

“Ten days,” I reply, standing up as well, “We’re staying in a hotel that’s about an hour and a half away from here.”

“Ah, okay,” Kasper says, nodding, and they stretch their arms before moving the cats off them and rising, “So, I’ll text you sometime. Thank you for coming.”

“Thanks,” Bunce says, and I nod, following her to the door. Kasper follows us and leans in the doorway, watching as Bunce makes her way to the car. I pause and turn to look at Kasper, regret on my face.

“Kasper... I’m sorry. For everything. Running after Simon, hurting him, invading your space. And for going on that rant at you. I just... Simon was everything. He still is. And I miss him, and I guess... I was scared he had gone from me to you. And I-”

Kasper cuts me off, “Hey, Baz, it’s okay. Well, it’s not. But we can sort this out. Okay?”

“Yeah... Okay. Sorry. Thanks, Kasper,” I say again, and Kasper just smiles at me, before I turn and walk back to the car. Bunce sits in the passenger seat, scrolling through her phone and looks up at me, smiling sadly. 

“Come on then Basil,” She says to me, plugging her phone into the aux cord and putting on her playlist, “It’s only two pm. We can go grab some lunch and... I dunno. Go for a walk or something. Go sightseeing. It might be a while before we can see Simon again, so we might as well make the most of this.”

“Yeah,” I sigh, turning on the ignition and starting the car. I look at Kasper one last time before pulling out of the drive and getting on the road again. Bunce has put on the playlist I created. I smile at that.

It’s only when we are about an hour from Simon’s place do I realise that I never apologised to Simon.

** Kasper **

I watch Baz and Penny pull out of the drive from my position in the doorway, and when I think they are a safe distance away, I pull my phone out of my pockets and scroll through my contacts and smile when I see Simon’s name. I click on the call button and bring my phone up to my ear. There are only a few rings, before Simon picks up. I can hear his wings beating in the background. He must be up by the mountains.

“Hey,” I say into my phone.

“Hi,” Simon says in response from the other end of the line. He sounds breathless and his voice is hoarse. I think he’s been crying, but that’s not a surprise to me. I would be surprised if he hadn’t been crying.

“They’ve gone, Simon,” I tell him, “You can come back if you’re ready.”

He sighs heavily and I can practically feel the relief flooding into him, even though he is somewhere in the mountains. I know him like that. It’s  pretty cool . He and I have spent so much time together, living intimately, that we just  _ know  _ each other. I’m  gunna get some scones out of the cupboard for him. He needs them. (I made a batch the other day while he was out swimming and I never told him, wanting to keep them a secret so I could surprise him.)

“Thanks, Kas,” Simon replies, his smile evident in his voice, “I... Yeah.”

“It’s okay,” I say, “Come home. I have a small surprise for you.”

“Oh?” 

I can just imagine his face right now. Red cheeks, puffy eyes, but with a small smile and a quirked eyebrow. 

“Yup. Come on. I’ll wait outside.”

“On my way.”

“See you in a bit, Si,” I say quietly.

“Thank you,” He says, then the line goes dead. I grin and slip my phone into my pocket, turning on my heal and walking back into the house. Whiskers and Fudge are still asleep, curled up on the love seat, but Felix walks over to me and sits at my feet as I get the scones and butter out. I chuckle and bend down, kissing his nose and he licks mine before I straighten up. I don’t know how far away Simon is, or how long it will take him to get back, but when we were on the phone, it sounded like he was in the mountains. So, I think he’s at least half an hour away. And that gives me some time to think.

So... Simon and Baz are together. Were together. Might be together. They used to be together back at Watford, but they have had no contact for the past five years. No seeing each other. No letters. No calls. No nothing. So, are they even together anymore? Baz looked like he still wants to be with Simon. And I know Simon wants to be with Baz. But I also know that Simon can’t give Sweden up. He’s thrived here with me. Sure, he has nightmares and does have PTSD, but he is doing so, so much better here than he would be at Watford. He can’t give Sweden up. He can’t leave. (This isn’t me being a dick. Simon has told me that he can’t leave Sweden and he can’t leave. He won’t leave.)

But he misses Baz. And he needs Baz... Would he be willing to let Baz live here? I certainly wouldn’t mind. Just so long as Baz and Simon and Penny have all sorted out whatever it is they have going on. Because they absolutely need to. It will be closure for them, and they will all feel so much better if they have sorted out what they need to and once they have figured out everything. They need to talk. And yet...

I sigh heavily as I finish buttering the sixth scone. I’ve done three for each of us, because we both love scones. (Simon more so than me.) (He’s obsessed.) And then I make two mugs of tea, one with milk and one sugar, one completely plain. I take both mugs and the plate outside onto the decking outside the house and place them both on the table, pulling out my phone. Scrolling through Instagram, I see a post from a particular @SailsAndScones.Official. (My smile grows when I see a blue tick by the name. It always makes me happy to see Simon’s account. It reminds me how far he’s come.) It’s a post of the mountain view, the sun shining between the gap between the two tallest mountains, and the caption reads ‘Sometimes, a good trip to the mountains is all you need just to clear your head.’ And that makes me smile. Simon loves to go flying in the mountains. He will go flying if he needs to clear his head. Sometimes, I go with him. (Either he carries me, or I walk beneath, or if we’re going into the mountains, I’ll follow on in the car.) But my point is, whenever Simon needs to think, or clear his head, he escapes. He flies away. He disconnects from everything and everyone. 

Was that what he did back at Watford? And he’s just not ready to go back? (He’ll never be ready to go back, I know that. He knows that.) But he’s... I think Simon and I need to have a talk. No, I  _ know  _ Simon and I need to talk. Hence why I made scones and tea. Because Simon won’t do any serious talk without eating at the same time. Or moving. If he’s doing something else at the same time, then he’s more likely to focus. Otherwise, he fidgets, loses his train of thought, and stops paying attention. 

I’m so lost in my thoughts, that I visibly jump when I hear Simon land and call out to me.

“Kas. Hi,” He says sheepishly, and I look over to him, smiling.

“Hey Si,” I reply, “Come, sit. I made scones.”

At the mention of scones, Simon’s eyes light up and grins, walking over to me and dropping a kiss to my hair, before he sits down opposite me. He takes a scone and looks between the mugs.

“Which is mine?” He asks.

“Purple one. Plain tea. Just how you like it,” I say, picking up my own mug. Simon doesn’t really like sugar. He tells me it’s because he never really had it as a child, but also because Baz loves sugar, so anything too sugary makes him remember Baz, and that just makes him upset. So, he never really has sugar. Sometimes he will. But most of the time, he doesn’t.

“You know me so well. Thanks,” He smiles at me and takes a sip, leaning back in his chair against his wings. I love his wings. I’ve never told him, but I really do love them. They’re my favourite part about him. They’re big and red and majestic, and they’re the best for hugs. He’ll wrap one around me and hold me close, or he’ll nudge me with one and I’ll stroke it. They’re amazing. I especially love them when he’s flying. They look so  _ cool.  _ And he looks so majestic. Honestly. His tail is cool. A little annoying, but it’s helpful sometimes. I find it hilarious that he gave himself a proper devil’s tail. He always blushes when I bring it up, but I know he doesn’t mind. We like to have a good laugh about it.

“No worries,” I say, raising my mug to him and smiling before taking a sip, “I made these a couple days ago. Thought you would enjoy them.”

“Hell yeah,” He laughs lightly, shaking his head, his curls flopping over his face, and taking a bite of his scone, “You’re amazing.”

“Aw, cheers buddy,” I say. He smiles at me and looks down into his mug, swirling the tea around. He does that when he’s thinking. And I think I know what he’s thinking about. But just as I open my mouth to speak, he beats me to it.

“So,” He sighs, “You met Baz and Penny,” He doesn’t look up at me. 

I look down and nod, sitting forwards, “Yeah... They’re okay.”

Simon snorts.

“Simon,” I say slowly, “We both know what Baz did was wrong. He is more at fault than Penny.”

“I know,” He looks over at me and leans his elbows on the table after putting his mug down, “I still can’t believe he did that... He’s... He’s  _ Baz.  _ He knows what I’ve been through. He knows what pain I’ve had. He knows how fucking sensitive my wings are!”

“I’m sorry,” I look up at him and reach my hand across the table, rubbing his forearm, “I can’t believe he did that to you either. Especially if the two of you... Have something between you. But...”

“But we still need to speak. I know, Kas, I do. I just... I’m not ready,” He admits, placing his hand atop mine on his arm, “I know it’s been five years. I know I haven’t contacted them. I know I should have... And I was going to, I promise! I was going to write them a letter. I was going to. I just wasn’t ready to see them in person... But after what Baz did... After how they fucking tracked me and came all the way here without even sending me a letter first!”

He drops his head onto the table, and I can hear his tail swishing angrily under the table. It does that when he’s upset. Sometimes, he will even use it to lash out. (I learnt that the hard way.) (Long story. Basically, he was having a bad day and I pissed him off.) (It’s fine now. It was ages ago) I don’t speak though, allowing him to compose himself. 

“I don’t know what to do,” He says quietly, looking up at me, his eyes filled with a fresh round of tears and I squeeze his hand.

“The two of them are staying in a hotel about an hour and a half away from here, and they’re staying for ten days,” I tell him, “We have a few days for you to figure out what you  _ want  _ to do, and then I can text Penny. But what I think we should do, and this is just me, so you can say no, but I think you should take a few days, maybe three or four, for yourself to calm down after today, to recover, then you can think about what Baz and Penny mean to you. If you really want to reconnect, or not, and you can talk to me as well. Then after you’ve thought hard about it, talk to me, and I can text Penny, and we can arrange for a time for them to come here and we can all talk about this... Does that... Sound okay?”

For a moment, he doesn’t reply. He just stares at me with that distant look on his face he gets when he is thinking. His eyes are glazed over, and I can see tears in the corners of them. I won’t lie. It kind of scares me when he looks like that. Because that look could lead to anything. A PTSD episode, a panic attack, an argument, a hug, an emotional time... Anything. It’s Simon. He’s unpredictable sometimes. But then he blinks and smiles at me, squeezing my hand. And I’m relieved. Not an episode today. (which surprises me honestly.) (How he got away without having an episode after that.) (Although maybe he’ll have one later... I’ll have to look out for that.)

“That works,” He says thoughtfully, “I can work with that.”

I smile, “Thank you, Simon.”

Simon squeezes my hand again before letting go and leaning back, picking up his second scone. I watch him for a second, seeing how an easy smile takes over his face as he bites into his scone and closes his eyes. His head tilts back and the sun shines across it in a beautiful way. 

Simon is my brother. In everything but blood. And I am going to help him through this. I know I am. 


	3. The Waiting and Thinking

** Baz **

Realistically, there was no way  Bunce and I were going to go sightseeing. Sure, we might have, but I got back to the holiday house and flopped down, face first onto the sofa. I won’t move. Bunce keeps trying to make me get up, but I won’t. I can't. I don’t want to. I want Simon. I want my Simon. I want the Simon who keeps me alive, who keeps me going, who keeps me sane. I’ve gotten used to not having him over the past five years. But having him in my arms today, within my reach (kind of) made me all that longing, needing, craving come back into full force. And it hurts. It hurts so, so much.

I can’t. I just can’t. I need Simon. I need  _ my  _ Simon. He’s my love, my life, my whole fucking world. And yet I’m without him. I was so close to having him this afternoon. So, so close. And yet so far. (Cliché, I know. I’m not usually one for cliché, but I had to. It’s a fact.) I just... Need Simon. So much.

“Basil, at least come walking with me,” Bunce shouts at me from her room, but I don’t reply. I just keep my face pressed into the sofa; my arms thrown above my head. Bunce comes into the living room and sighs when she sees me. It’s been about an hour since we got back. And I haven’t moved. 

“Basil.”

I don’t answer again. Just press my face further into the pillow.

“Baz!”

“What Bunce?” I grumble after a moment of silence.

“I wish you wouldn’t call me that.”

“What am I supposed to call you?” My voice is muffled, and she huffs crossly. This scenario is starting to feel all  too familiar. I don’t like it. 

“Penny. That’s my name. And you’ve called me that before.”

Wait... It’s like that time...

“Haven’t.”

“Have.”

_ Oh. _

“Stop.”

“What?”

“You sound like Simon.”

That shuts her up. She stays silent for a moment, thinking. I can hear her thinking. Always. I’ve gotten used to it, and I don’t really mind it. But I think I hurt her with that last comment. I hurt myself with that last comment. Simon. All I want is Simon. I don’t want his words coming out of Bunce’s mouth, I don’t want his actions appearing in the kids I see. I don’t want him appearing in little bits from everyone around me. I want  _ him.  _ I want him back, in my arms, safe. 

I know that’s not going to happen anytime soon though. Bunce could get the text just hours before we leave on our last day here. She could get a text halfway through day five. She could not get a text at all. That hurts me, knowing that Kasper could just... Not text Bunce. Because I need to see Simon one last time before we go. I need to. To solidify things. I need to talk to him.

If I didn’t see Simon, then I know I would break. I need that confirmation. I need the closure. I need to  _ talk  _ to him. I need to know if I can close that door for good, or if I can keep it open, ready for him to come flying through and into my arms. I really hope I can keep the door open, keep our relationship going. I really hope he will come to me, fly into my arms,  _ let me hold him _ . Because I want this. I  _ need  _ this. Because it’s Simon. And because I love him. 

If Simon said no. If I had to close the door. If I had to let him go, then sure, it would be hard, but Bunce and I could go back to functioning how we have been these past five years without him. We live in our nice flat, go to our jobs, laugh with the kids, chat to our co-workers. Go about our lives like normal people. Bunce could ask out that man from the library that she has had her eye on for a while, and I could start looking around at other men who catch my eye. I could find someone else to love and care for. And I could close Simon’s door. I could throw it away and never look back. (It would hurt, but at least I would have that closure, and I could move on and keep going with my life.)

But the thing is, what would I do if Simon wanted to keep our relationship? There’s no way he’s going to leave Sweden. No. I saw it in his eyes, in Kasper’s eyes. Simon  _ can’t  _ leave Sweden. He would crash and burn if he came back to Watford, I know that. He’s free here. He has his forest, his friend, his cats, and I swear he has other animals around the back of his house. Was it cows? I can’t remember. I didn’t see. Anyway, what I’m trying to say, is that if we stay together in a relationship, where would I go? Simon is staying in his house in Sweden with Kasper, but Bunce will go back to Watford. She loves her job, and she wouldn’t want to give it up. 

Would Simon be willing to let me move in with him and Kasper? Would  _ Kasper  _ be willing? I would move at the drop of a hat if I could. I would quit my job and find a new one here in Sweden if I had to. I can do long distance if Simon didn’t want me to move in. Sure, it would hurt that I wouldn’t see him every day, but I would call him, write to him, fly to see him every few months. But if we did long distance, I wouldn’t want what happened to Bunce and Micah to happen to us. That’s the one thing I would be terrified of if we did long distance. Because I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if that happened. Knowing we gave ourselves a chance, and then falling apart just because we were in different countries... That would tear me into pieces. I couldn’t deal with that. I just-

“ _ Baz.” _

I blink and lift my face from the pillow, looking straight into Bunce’s concerned face. She’s crouched next to the sofa, and her hand is on my arm. How long was I thinking for? A long time, from the look on Bunce’s face. And that worries me. I don’t want to lose myself in my own head today. I really don’t. Sure, I don’t mind lying and thinking for ages, but I don’t want my thoughts to go out of control or spiral. Because if I stay thinking, if Bunce didn’t bring me out, then I’d sure as hell spiral and get stuck inside my own head. 

“What?” I say quietly, resting my head back on the pillow, but still looking at her.

“I lost you for a while,” She teases gently, and that brings a smile to my face. She likes to tease me on my deep thinking, as sometimes I sit on the sofa in our living room back at Watford and stare into space, the tea in my hands going cold as I think. She’s learnt to move around me when I think, but I know today she doesn’t want me spiralling in my thoughts. That’s only happened a couple of times, and it never ends well, so I’m glad for her pulling me out of it today.

“Sorry,” I reply with a small smile, “Was just thinking.”

“I know,” She grins, “Now, are you going to come walking with me? Or not?”

I groan, rolling onto my back and looking at the ceiling. I don’t want to go. Hell, I don’t want to  _ move.  _ But I know I  have to . Else I’ll slip, won’t I? If Bunce leaves me here, I’ll fall into a pit of my own thoughts. And I can’t do that. Not today. So that’s why I nod. That’s why I get off the sofa, put my shoes and coat on. That’s why I follow Bunce out of the house and down the roads.

Because if I stay, Simon Snow you won’t leave my mind. 

And I’d drive myself insane.

** Penny **

Simon Snow, you’re my best friend. You have been ever since I sat down next to you in that Magic Words lesson back in first year. Do you remember that? I remember it so well. Like it was yesterday. I was trying to help you with your assignment, and all you would do was stare at me. When I told you my name, you were confused and didn’t think ‘someone like me’ could be named Penelope. You thought I should be called Saanvi. I told you that ‘someone like me’ can be named anything, and then I told you off for staring, because staring is rude. Even if it’s your friend you’re staring at. You sort of were surprised when I told you we were friends. And Simon, I never told you, but when you asked me that, I think a little part of me wanted to reach out and hug you right then and there. You were just this small, scared first year, like the rest of us, and yet you had the weight of the fate of the entire World of Mages on your shoulders. You were Simon Snow, the Mage’s heir, Boy Wonder, the kid who was supposed to save us all from the Insidious Humdrum. 

But you were a  _ child.  _ You were eleven years old. Same age as me. And my biggest worry was if I was going to pass my Latin tests or come top in Greek, or if I could beat a certain T.  Basliton Grimm-Pitch in Political Science. And sure, you had all your classwork, and peer pressure, however, on top of that, you had the knowledge that you, a small, shy eleven-year-old boy who was bumbling along at the bottom of the class, was the most powerful mage in the whole world, and you were supposed to save us all. I can’t even begin to imagine how that felt for you. It must’ve been overwhelming. Intoxicating. Stifling. Yet you pushed through it. You got along with school, you stuck by my side, you argued with Baz, dated Agatha, and you just... Dealt with it. And I admire you so much for that. You kept saying Baz was your enemy. That he was plotting against you, and you stalked him a lot. I think you worried more about Baz than you worried about the Humdrum. (Thinking about that now makes me laugh. You were  _ obsessed  _ with Baz.) (Don’t try to deny it. You were.)

Simon Snow, you always were my best friend. Even when we argued at school. Even when things got  really hard . Even when you ran off for five years without telling us. I never let anyone take the title of my best friend. Sure, Baz moved in with me, and I became close to my co-workers (yes, I made new friends. Baz taught me to let people into my life and have more than three friends) but I never  _ ever  _ let anyone take away your title of Penelope Bunce’s Best Friend. That’s always going to be yours. Unless you don’t want it. Unless you specifically tell me ‘I don’t want to be your best friend anymore Penny.’ You  have to tell me that for me to let you go. Because I don’t want to let you go. I don’t want to give you up. I want you back. I want my best friend back. The man who stuck by my side since I was eleven. I want him back. Please Simon. Baz does too.

This has been hard on him. He loves you, Simon. More than you could imagine. She loves you so, so much, honest! When you first left... He wouldn’t leave his house. Daphne was in tears by the end of three weeks, and she begged me to help him. So, I offered to let him move in with me. We bought a flat near Watford together, after selling the old one, the one you and I shared (too many memories Simon, I’m sorry.) And even then, he still struggled. It wasn’t until my mum offered him a job in the new Watford nursery, did I really start seeing a difference in him. He came out of his shell and started going back to normal. We both did. But it’s hard. Baz still thinks. He thinks a lot. His deep thinking. I won’t lie, it scares me sometimes. He gets this look on his face that shows he’s in a faraway land somewhere, lost inside his own head. He’s gotten stuck there a few times before, inside his own head. Now that was scary. I had to help him, and it ended with a lot of tears, screaming, and then cuddles on the sofa with ice cream and  watching a movie.

Sometimes I wonder, Simon, if you even want us back. If you want us to come back into your life as your best friend and your boyfriend. We stayed true to you all these years, and from the looks of it, you stayed true to us, not having another partner or best friend. (Kasper is your sibling. I know that.) But you made no attempt to reach us. No letter, no phone call, no visit... Nothing. The only reason we knew you were alive was because of that spell I cast on you after America. And that hurt us, Simon. Knowing that you were out there somewhere, perfectly safe, and yet you weren’t even  making an effort to reach out to us. You just...  _ Left.  _

So that’s why we wonder if you even want us back. Because it doesn’t seem like you do. It seems like you want us gone from your life. Which I don’t want. I don’t want to give up on you, Baz doesn’t want to give up on you. We miss you more than anything, and we love you so, so, so much. So please Simon, come back to us. Please let us in again. Please allow us to be yours again. Because we need you. We miss you. We love you. And bloody hell Simon, we want  you back. 

Please let us have you back.

Please let us in again.

** Simon **

I’m lying on the sofa right now, spooning Kasper. My wings are wrapped around us both and my arms are resting over their waist. Kasper’s got one hand under their head, and their other arm is holding Fudge in place. Whiskers and Felix are curled up with each other at our feet, a small ball of fur, paws and legs. I think it’s really sweet. My forehead is pressed against the back of Kasper’s head, and my eyes are closed.

Kasper fell asleep a while ago. We were watching TV and just chatting. But then it got late, and I turned off the TV while Kasper connected their phone to the Bluetooth speaker system, playing their soft playlist. And then they fell asleep, right there in my arms. That’s happened a few times before. When it’s nice and quiet, with soft music playing in the background, the cats curled up with us, and it’s warm. Kasper just falls asleep. I like it. It makes me smile when that happens, as I love to wrap my arms around them and hold them as they sleep. It makes me feel safe.

An outsider looking at us right now would think we are a couple. They would look at us and say ‘oh, look at how cute that is! Look at the way they are curled up together, isn’t it sweet?’ But you know better. I have said it before, and I will say it again. Kasper and I  _ are not  _ a couple. We are chosen family to each other. I have no-one in my family left (since they are all dead) and Kasper chose to leave their family as they weren’t accepted. So, we have each other as family. And we have a touchy kind of relationship. Not touchy as in it’s an issue. Touchy as in we like to hug a lot. To be held, to hold hands, to lie, curled up together. Completely platonic, but we love it. So, so much. 

Anyway, Kasper is asleep, as are all the cats. The cows are quiet outside, and the chickens are all shut away in their run. But me? My mind won’t stop thinking. My eyes are open, looking straight at Kasper’s soft, ginger hair, but I’m not seeing them, I don’t think. Not really. My eyes may be open, but they’re not taking in anything I see. They’re looking, but not registering anything. Because my mind won’t stop.

I love Baz. 

I came to that conclusion after a  good few hours of just lying here, thinking.  _ I love Baz.  _ So much. I ache to have him kiss my forehead again, to wrap his arms around me, to run his hand through my curls. I long to wrap my tail around his leg again, to encase him in my wings, to hear his heartbeat again. I’ve missed that sound. The feeling of his heart thumping against his ribs, my head lying on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. That sound always used to send me to sleep. It would calm me down, keep me breathing, let me feel  _ loved,  _ and  _ safe.  _ I need to hear his heartbeat again. That’s one thing I can’t let him go with. I  have to feel it again, hear it in my ear, feel it under my palm. Because it’s Baz. And because I love him.

So, now all I need to decide, is what to do. 

I need to speak to Baz. Properly. I know I need to. There’s no way I’m letting him leave Sweden without speaking to him. I need confirmation. And I need to know what he thinks. If he loves me, if he doesn’t want me anymore, if he wants to keep me in his life. (I have a feeling he does. Just a hunch.) And if he does want to keep me in his life, if he does want to rebuild our relationship, then I’m going to take hold of that and not let go. I want him in my life. I missed him so much over the last five years. So, so much. And now he’s here, in Sweden. And I have to keep him. If he’ll have me.

If he doesn’t want me, and wants to close our relationship, then sure, it will hurt like hell, but I can turn around and leave that part of me. I can let go of him and get back to normal here with Kasper. I can dive back into my usual life of filming videos, looking after the animals, flying, swimming, being with Kasper. That will be fine. I can do that, no problem. 

But if Baz wants me, and wants to keep our relationship, then what will we do? I can’t do long distance. No way. Not in a million years am I doing long distance. After what happened to Penny and Micah... No. I can’t do long distance. (I know you’re probably wondering how I did five years without him if I can’t do long distance.) (It was because I threw myself into life here. I ignored any thoughts to do with Baz and Penny.) (Most of the time...) So, if I can’t do long distance... Then I could ask him to move in. I would talk to Kasper first, obviously, as they’re my housemate and the most important person in my life right now. But would Baz say yes? Would he drop everything back in England and stay with me and Kasper here? 

Obviously, it would be strange with Baz here to begin with. Kasper and I would have to adjust, as would Baz. He would have to get used to mine and Kasper’s touchy relationship, and our routines, and how we work here in our small corner of the world. And Kasper and I would have to get used to having someone else around, incorporating him into our life and home. But I think we would manage. That’s doable. We can do that. Easy  peasy . No problem. 

I just hope Kasper agrees. I’ll ask them in the morning, when it’s not dark out, and when we’re both coherent enough to speak in full sentences and can communicate with clear heads and thoughts. If I spoke to them now, a) they would be cross at me for waking them up, and b) they wouldn’t be able to think or speak clearly. And I need to have this conversation with them while we are both in a good mindset and can both think properly. (So that would mean after a large cup of good coffee, in Kasper’s case.) 

Anyway, I think right now, I should go to bed. Or at least sleep. I need to, because if I don’t, I’ll just drown in my thoughts, worrying, and worrying, and worrying, and that never does anyone any good. Especially if you stay up all night worrying. (I’ve done that several times before. It’s not fun.) I don’t think Kasper will let me move, given that they are fast asleep, and they look very comfortable.  So, it looks like I’ll be sleeping here, on the sofa, with Kasper in my arms, and the cat at my feet.

Sometimes, when I’m like this, lying on the sofa with Kasper in my arms, I wish it was Baz in my arms. Don’t get me wrong, I love,  _ love,  _ to hold Kasper and fall asleep wrapped around them, but I miss falling asleep wrapped around Baz. His arms would wrap around my waist, his head on my chest, while I would lie on my back, arms around his shoulders, wings covering him, encasing him in my warm embrace. And I miss that. More than anything. Because it’s Baz. Because he’s mine. And I’m his. (If he’ll still have me.)

But I’m happy with Kasper. I sigh and shake my head. I need to shut up and sleep now. Else I will get trapped inside my own head. So, I kiss the back of Kasper’s neck, just at the part where their hair fades out into skin, and I hear them sigh happily. That makes me smile, my lips against their skin, and then I close my eyes. I’m so tired. So, so tired.

** Kasper **

I wake up the next morning to the sun shining onto the back of my neck and the feeling of Simon all wrapped around me. His arms are draped over my waist, wings around the both of us, and my leg is thrown over his hips, entangled with his. This makes me smile. We haven’t fallen asleep like this in ages, because we normally watch a bit of TV and then head off to our separate rooms. But I think we fell asleep like this last night because of what happened yesterday. And I think Simon wanted comfort. And love. Which is understandable. If I were in his shoes, I would want someone to look after me.

My forehead is pressed against his chest, and I can feel his breathing. It’s calming, and I’m happy here. But I know we need to talk. I don’t know when Simon will talk. It may be in a few days, but I know we will talk. Eventually. For now, I just press a soft kiss to his shoulder and rest my head back against his chest. As I go to stretch my legs out, my toes  come into contact with soft, soft fur, and I look up to see all three cats curled up together. I let out a quiet ‘aww,’ and tickle the fur with my toes.  Last I remember, Fudge had fallen asleep in my arms, but as I moved around last night, he must’ve moved to sleep with the others. Not that I mind. I think it’s really cute. 

I hear a sigh above me, and I look up to see Simon’s eyes start to flutter open, a yawn escaping his lips. That makes me smile. He always looks so open and vulnerable in the mornings, and that’s one thing I really love about falling asleep in his arms with him at night. Because then I get to see him first thing. And I  _ really  _ love that. There’s just something  really special about seeing Simon wake up in the mornings, and I love it. So much. So, so much. Because he’s amazing. And because he’s Simon, my brother in everything but blood.

He smiles down at me when he sees me looking up at me, and he kisses my forehead. (I love forehead kisses. They’re so nice.)

“Hi,” He whispers.

“Hi,” I whisper back, “Sleep well?”

“When I got to sleep, yeah,” His voice is hoarse, gravelly, thick with sleep. I don’t think he got much sleep last night. I’m not surprised though. His past came back to him in force, and that would have definitely caused a sleepless night.

“Get much sleep?” I ask, smoothing a curl away from his face.

“Eh. Six hours probably. Maybe seven. I don’t know. I got enough.”

“Understandable. Your past slapped you across the face yesterday. I would have been surprised if  you had slept lots.”

He laughs at me, his lips a gentle pressure against my head. It isn’t a kiss. Just a pressure. Reassurance. I like it. A lot. It makes me feel safe. So, so safe. Because  he’s my brother. 

“What time is it?” He asks after a moment, and I shrug, lifting my head gently to look over the back of the sofa at the clock hung on the wall by the cooker.

“Half nine,” I say, dropping my head back down onto the sofa next to Simon’s, “So you were up ‘till three am?”

“Oh,” He laughs, “No. I fell asleep around one, I think. So, I got around eight hours then.”

“’S more like it,” I smile, “We should get up. The cows-”

“I know,” He says, nodding as he lets out a yawn, “And the chickens. I want eggs for breakfast.”

“Me too,” I agree heartily. The eggs our chickens give are the absolute best, I promise you. I’ve never had better eggs in my life. 

“Move then you lump,” Simon teases, “You’re lying on my wing.”

“You’re  gunna have to move your other wing first,” I say, poking my tongue out at him, and do you know what he does? He lifts the wing covering both of us and pushes me off the sofa. I let out a very undignified squeal and fall onto the floor, startling the three cats, who all jump up and start meowing. Simon’s just laughing, so I grab his hand and pull him off on top of me. He lands with an ‘oof’ and a laugh, his face planted into my chest. I kiss the top of his head before pushing him off me and standing up, grinning.

“Meanie,” He says, smiling up at me as he gets up himself and I ruffle his hair as best I can. (He’s about two inches taller than me. It’s awesome.)

“Too right,” I tease, “I’m  gunna do the chickens and I’ll cook breakfast. Can you do the cows and cats?”

“Sure can,” He nods, squeezing my hand before he disappears into his bedroom to change into his farm clothes. I stand in the living room a moment longer, staring at his closed door, my mind whirring. But then I shake my head and go into my own room.

I wonder how long Simon needs.


End file.
